I have seriously debated about making this post public because in my personal life I'm extremely introverted and resolve to dealing with any problems privately. Apart from family and a couple close friends I usually don't discuss my problems with others. Because I feel that sometimes people only ask things so that they will know some of your weaknesses and be able to hold them over your head. I know that this sounds really insecure, and I guess that even at my age..I am that insecure girl.
Well, I'll start by telling you that I have had anxiety since I was about 18; I will be 33 this June, so for about 15 years anxiety has been the constant,unwanted companion by my side. It's sad to say but it has controlled my life and lifestyle so much that there are so many things that I have avoided doing or simply made 101 excuses as to why I could not do them. I'm naturally an introvert and I do enjoy being alone for the most part, however I also have to say that I many times avoid social settings because I feel awkward and out of place. I think that I could probably even trace feeling out of place back in high school, I didn't feel smart enough, pretty enough, or even bad enough to really fit into any group. It is true that life's problems and stresses usually make anxiety worse. Although, I have had good times in between the not so good, last May 2013 was definitely the worst of all.
I would define it as having a nervous breakdown, as awful as it sounds to admit it to you who is reading this. Because to a certain level it does make me feel ashamed to feel and to know that my insecurities, issues have broken me so much. I can tell you that it was the worst thing ever, it made me doubt myself so much. I felt like my constant panic attacks were getting worse each time, until I ended up going to the emergency room thinking I might be having a heart attack. If you have not ever experienced anxiety to such a severe level, I should explain that usually what happens is that your mind, negative thoughts take over;essentially it's you fighting against yourself once those thoughts turn into real physical symptoms.
Because my anxiety turned into something that I could not control at all for the first time I resorted to taking medication. This is something that I had always avoided because I din't want to be dependent on a drug. At this point I couldn't walk outside without feeling an extreme fear and feeling dizzy every time.
Sometimes people think, well how can you be so weak minded and not be able to control this? I would have to answer by saying that I don't consider myself weak minded. I have tried to learn, teach myself methods/techniques in order to make myself better. However, once you do everything possible and like I mentioned, it might help at times, but then you know you will never completely rid yourself of it. I have cried,prayed, talked it out, tried to escape, hide out so many times and then it's there. I really wish I could be that carefree person that does as they please without worry to repercussions, but I have never been that person. I am the person that over thinks every situation/conversation, and then over analyzes all the factors. If it were as easy as just not being a worrier, I suppose it would be more simple but this is not the stress free world that we live in.
I accept that I am a completely flawed person, not for my issues and insecurities-rather because my fears have taken over of my potential happiness. To me this is the one most-important thing in life "happiness"; it seems that we should all be entitled to sheer joy of life but sometimes working at being happy gets so hard. I doubt myself so much because I constantly remember past mistakes, memories, what I could-should have done, and what I fear I may never be able to do. I'm fully conscious that my past is gone, the future feels further from my wishes because living the present can get quite difficult. I should clear up that I'm not that dark-depressed person, I love to laugh all the time. But when it gets down to being alone then we have to listen to ourselves and face our problems and simply live the life we have been dealt with. I know that this may be sounding like the lamest post you ever read about, but I'm a real person and I have real problems.
